Have you ever seen Kevin Costner’s Field Of Dreams?
In that movie there are a lot of inspirational metaphors that a person can draw on of which “Go the distance” is but one.
To me, as stated in the last instalment of this series (The Zero Date Decade), putting in the time, doing the work, going out and putting yourself on the line is the most important part of reclaiming your dating life as a single man. Make this your first habit.
When I became single after that 600 year relationship, it was right during a period where a sort of men’s movement was in full swing. What began as underground forum meet-ups between guys discussing dating had blossomed into a full-on industry.
The catalyst for its explosion in popularity was the excellent book by Neil Strauss entitled The Game.
Neil’s book is a fantastic read and I’d recommend his various others books as well but I’d definitely suggest you enjoy the book for entertainment purposes only, not for advice per se. That is a topic for another time.
So when I began to reclaim my dating life and with the Internet being such a fabulous resource, I was drawn into this world of dating advice. Books, videos, boot-camps. It was probably at its zenith then but still continues to this day. The field has also received a lot of negative press due to some of the things taught and mindsets employed. You have to be able to sift good from bad and that only comes from going out.
One thing I immediately heard, read and agreed with was the advice to just go out and start meeting women. They called going out to different venues “the field”. It was an adamant assertion. These guys had turned it into a science experiment in many ways.
I agreed. Out in the field is where the gold is mined.
Theres no tutor like experience.
They say that public speaking is everyone’s number one fear. This plays into the dating scene quite heavily as meeting someone usually requires that you talk and women are rarely alone. In this mini-forum of public speaking many men wither and die, their hopes and dreams dashed by all the stuff in their head built up over decades of conditioning.
Fortune favors the bold.
Though looking back I would say that I made my greatest strides while going out alone, in essence jumping into the deep end of the pool, I sought out a small cadre of like-minded singles.
If you’ve chosen well this won’t turn into a competitive event where everyone in your group chases after the same girl or various other pitfalls.
I was lucky in that I really don’t fear public speaking and the guys I connected with, locals who I initially met online, were already into all this “pick-up” stuff.
What also provided me with a lot of experience and opportunity was that I took a job at the hottest new nightclub in our city. Working security, with its relative freedom to socialize, provided yet more “nights out”.
When finally formalized, our group was about four regulars deep and we went out every night. No joke.
We started by going out 27 nights in a row. I stayed in on night number 28 to get some sleep and the other guys went out anyway. One of them got punched for his efforts but that was the only time in the span of three years when anything like that even remotely happened. It also wouldn’t have happened if I’d have been there, so they said.
He was an odd guy so don’t let that dissuade you.
We had a hot-spot for every day of the week (Tuesdays and Wednesdays were often pretty pathetic) and we motivated each other to do and say things outside our comfort zone on a nightly basis. It became a team sport, as weird as that sounds.
That first year of singledom I was “out” over 90% of the nights between working two nights a week at the club and going out alone or with friends the other four or five.
The following diagram I’ve seen around the ‘net quite a bit and it is so true.
Though we adopted such ridiculous practices as squirting lime juice in our eyes and various mantras we’d chant, what was really going on was group-think.
A mastermind if you will. That’s the sexy word for it now right?
We drove each other to express more of our real selves.
This would unlock the doors to what make us individuals, each with our own attractive qualities.
What is it like for you? Do you have a problem expressing yourself as naturally to stranger as you do to a friend? Do you find it easier to talk naturally with a woman you’re not attracted to but then stumble, over analyze and become stifled around that beautiful girl whose looks and sassy personality draw you in?
These issues and many more are common and require one thing as antidote…experience.
Get out there! You need to put in the time and go the distance if this is important to you. Just start introducing yourself to strangers everywhere you go. Make being social your thing. If you commit some real time and immerse yourself into this you will be rewarded with some of the best experiences of your life. I added a whole new social circle filled with new people for the years I was going out.
I made close friendships that have endured.
I have fantastic stories of both success and emasculating failure.
Just like everything else in your life it is going to take time, consistency, effort, failure, rejection, and more before you will start to let the real you seep out. Pushing through the pain period will be the magic pill you are secretly wishing for.
What will gradually occur over the months is that your mind will shift its thinking patterns; new insights will emerge. Your mind will be assimilating all this information and making new patterns, drawing new conclusions, and changing your worldview of dating, women, and who you are.
A Little Story
After months of going out religiously and being social and talking to strange women we arrived at our usual Monday destination.
As I worked at another bar we were always granted access through the kitchen/back door, and we made our way to the back bar where our favorite bartender resided.
We grabbed a couple of drinks and started making our way toward the dance floor when Tony called out for me to turn around and come back. He had spied a twosome of girls and was chatting up the brunette as he beckoned me over. The other girl was blond (my type) and Tony asked her if she had met me yet.
Of course she hadn’t.
With that brief question I turned to Tony and asked him to hold my beer. I closed the distance between the blonde’s face and mine and then went in for a lengthy kiss that built in both urgency and energy as she got into it as well.
All I heard was Tony say something like a barely audible “whoa” and the brunette friend gasp a little at my audacity.
I’m going to interrupt this story to suggest one thing: I don’t recommend this.
There’s a very good chance bad things will happen if the moment isn’t right and if you’re reading this I’ll wager to say this moment isn’t near. I’ll just add that you’ll just know if you’ve put in the work. It’s akin to when Neo saw the Matrix or those baby chick sexers in one of Malcolm Gladwell’s books. You’ll just know.
This story is merely to illustrate the kind of mindset-destroying things that can and will occur when you do the work.
The blond and I continued to make out “The Notebook”-style for a bit before I collected her number and she grabbed her friend and exited the bar. They left and it was only about 10:30pm. Tony suggested that we could have left with them which was entirely accurate. However…
We’d just got there.
In the next instalment I’ll delve into talking to strangers and what I’ve learned about keeping it real.