I’m all for women taking the initiative when it comes to online dating.
I think that there are a lot of women out there who create a profile, then wait for men to come to them. And invariably, they do. But the problem is that a lot of these guys might not be considered a perfect match (to put it lightly).
If you are nodding your head at this scenario, maybe it’s about time you took the bull by the horns and started reaching out to a few guys that you like the look of. If you think that this would be a good idea but are not sure where to start, keep reading!
You’re Already Thinking Along the Right Lines
If you’re considering what question to ask a guy, you’re on the right track. In my experience, a lot of women don’t even get to that stage. These kind of messages are not uncommon:
Hi. I just saw you profile and I liked it, so I thought I’d send a message.
What am I supposed to do with that message? I’m essentially being put in a position where I have to send the first message, because she hasn’t actually opened with anything interesting.
Asking a question is absolutely vital. Imagine conversations without questions — they’d be tough. Sure, sometimes there’s a natural flow, but most conversations are kept alive by questions. So leading with a question when messaging a guy is absolutely key.
What Not to Ask
Let’s start with something that you should most certainly not do when contacting guys on dating sites, which is to send a message like this:
Hey, how are you?
I still don’t understand what people (both men and women) hope to achieve from sending these types of messages. It is not a good conversation starter — all it demonstrates is a lack of imagination and/or care (neither of which are good).
Although I say you shouldn’t ask the above question, you might reasonably include it as an opener in a message. But I wouldn’t “count” it as a question — it’s just a way of kicking off your message.
So What Should You Ask?
Let’s start off with how you can maximize your chances of finding a guy you will like. As a man, and a longterm user of dating sites, I am well-placed to give you some interesting insights here (if I do say so myself).
Let’s start with the basics — as long as you don’t send something utterly dull or utterly ridiculous, you will have a great chance of engaging with a guy. Why? Because it has been proven that men receive far less messages than woman (by about 20 to 1). If you’re going out of your way to contact a guy, he is likely to sit up and take note.
So use this to your advantage. Not only can you be the girl who messages first, but you can also be the girl who had something more to say than just “Hi”.
The rules here aren’t really any different to how I would advise any person of either sex. The key is to demonstrate that you have read your potential match’s profile by asking them a question that is personal to them.
Take my profile as an example:
There’s a lot to go on here. Here are a few questions you could ask that would capture my attention:
I noticed in your profile that you play sports — what do you play?
How is your freelance blogging business going so far?
What’s it like being in a band? Do you play many gigs?
And so on. It isn’t difficult — just take a look through a guy’s profile and pick out some points of interest.
It’s even better if you can find a convergence between his interests and your own. Say for instance you were a big fan of live music. Your question to me could be:
I’m a huge fan of live music, so I was really interested to read that you’re in a band. Do you play many gigs?
This is great for two reasons:
- You’re asking a question, so I have something to respond to
- You’re demonstrating that we share a common interest
That’s really all there is to it. When it comes to messaging a guy, just focus on these three simple steps:
- Ask a question
- Make it relevant to their profile
- Try to find a question that combines shared interests
Ultimately, we are drawn to people who feel that are (a) interested in us, and (b) are a good match. If I get a message from a girl who demonstrates that she has actually put some thought into the message, I am far more likely to respond.
Creative Commons image courtesy of the Italian voice